It is late Monday night, and I am writing my blog a little earlier than usual. I decided that I want to write about something that is on my mind this week. My mind went straight to my husband's mother. She was a very special woman who passed away three years ago this week. I must admit that I have been sitting at my desk for the past fifteen minutes grappling with the idea of "Should I" or "Shouldn't I" write about her. I was possibly thinking the "should not" because it can be very sad... but I decided for the "should" because she was so special. Her wonderfulness outweighed my insecurities.
I think it is important to talk about and remember the one's you love, even if they are no longer with us in body. There are a few memories that are very vivid which I cling to. I have to admit that, sadly, through my own insecurities and anxieties, it took me awhile to let my guard down and feel comfortable and be myself around my husband's parents when we were dating in the beginning. It was all me. I remember my own negative self talk I would give myself, and I was so quiet and shy when I was with them. For those of you who know me, that is very unlike me. It was within the last year before she passed that I finally noticed my flaws, and I began to open up more and feel so much more comfortable. Once I realized what I was doing, I was so happy to see myself change and feel relaxed. The memories I truly love are when my husband and I would go to his parents home, and we would usually be in the kitchen talking: the four of us. Somehow, my husband and his dad would make their way into the garage, and his mom and I would get a chance to talk... just the two of us. There are a lot of things I learned about her. I loved when my husband would come back in after some time and say, "Are we ready to go?" And I'd say, "No, I'm not", because I was having such a good time with her. I remember how happy I would get when I made her laugh. She was an incredibly sweet woman. She was the type of person you know would laugh at something, even if it was not all that funny... just to be polite. But, I LOVED it when I made her laugh. Her nose would crinkle and her teeth would show... I see that expression on my husband sometimes when he laughs, too. Another thing I remember is that most holidays, I have been unable to go see my family because I had to work (most of my family does not live near me). My husband's mom wouldn't ask "If" I was coming over for the holiday meal... it was "When". She immediately made me a part of the family festivities. It was being around her and the family traditions that made me remember how much fun the holidays were for me when I was little. She helped me find that childlike wonder of the holidays... and to feel the sense of love and home I so wanted on that particular day (be it Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter... etc). I have two more memories that are sticking out in my mind... I am thinking back to one day when she mentioned to me and my husband that both she and her husband had gone to a new restaurant nearby and she wanted to take us there. We asked, "What is it called?" She smiled and said in a coy tone, "I'm not telling." She then gave us a hint and said that the city started with a "P" and the restaurant started with a "B". We had a fun time trying to get it out of her where this mystery spot was. As time passed, our busy lives were in full swing, and we forgot about it. After her passing, my husband and I figured out what restaurant that was. We have looked it up, but still have yet to go. I am happy to report that we are planning to go there this coming Friday evening. I'm looking forward to it. It will be an opportunity to think of a happy memory of us badgering her for more information: "What's the next letter of the restaurant? How about the city?" I am happy we know which one it is and that we'll be able to enjoy it and think of her.
My last memory is a special one that is close to my heart, yet very simply stated. I will always remember that there were occasions when we would say our goodbyes, and she would tell me, "I love you". This was always very special to me, but it is especially now. I remember thinking, even then, she is an incredibly good and honest person, and she would only say something like that if she truly meant it. I am glad we both got to say those words to each other. They meant the world to me then, and even more now.
She is someone who is missed dearly by so many... especially her family. She had a very calm and sweet personality. She was incredibly thoughtful and loving. Her qualities are ones which I hope to attain and strive for.
I cannot help but think of how many questions and topics I wish I could talk to her about now. It makes me sad to think, "I wish I could ask her about...." or "I would love to hear what she thinks about...." What makes me feel better is that I know she is in heaven. Even though I feel a longing to talk to her, I find comfort knowing that she is in a wonderful place. It's not that I can't ever talk to her about these things... it's just that I will have to wait until we meet again. I hope she makes a lot of time for me because there is already so much to catch up on. I wonder if she and I could make our way into a kitchen in heaven and have one of our talks again... I hope so...
Happy Tuesday to you and yours...
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