Tuesday, September 27, 2011

27 on the 27th

I am going to make my blog a little shorter today.  Today is my birthday.  I am 27 years old.  I have been looking forward to today because I am 27 on the 27th.  When I was a little girl, I remember thinking, "Wow!  When I turn 27 on the 27th, I'm going to be so old!"  I do not think I'm old, but thinking about that memory makes me smile.  I always try to be awake on the exact time I was born.  My mom had me by cesarean.  I was a scheduled delivery.  My mom got called to jury duty, and her excuse to why she couldn't do it was, "I'm going to have my baby that day."  I tell people that I was born by cesarean, my husband says that I was stolen from the womb.  That comment always makes me laugh.  

I just thought I would write a little something about how my being born 27 years ago got my mom out of jury duty.  I love telling that story.

Happy Tuesday to you and yours...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Someone Very Special

It is late Monday night, and I am writing my blog a little earlier than usual.  I decided that I want to write about something that is on my mind this week.  My mind went straight to my husband's mother.  She was a very special woman who passed away three years ago this week.  I must admit that I have been sitting at my desk for the past fifteen minutes grappling with the idea of "Should I" or "Shouldn't I" write about her.  I was possibly thinking the "should not" because it can be very sad... but I decided for the "should" because she was so special.  Her wonderfulness outweighed my insecurities.

I think it is important to talk about and remember the one's you love, even if they are no longer with us in body.  There are a few memories that are very vivid which I cling to.  I have to admit that, sadly, through my own insecurities and anxieties, it took me awhile to let my guard down and feel comfortable and be myself around my husband's parents when we were dating in the beginning.  It was all me.  I remember my own negative self talk I would give myself, and I was so quiet and shy when I was with them.  For those of you who know me, that is very unlike me.  It was within the last year before she passed that I finally noticed my flaws, and I began to open up more and feel so much more comfortable.  Once I realized what I was doing, I was so happy to see myself change and feel relaxed.  The memories I truly love are when my husband and I would go to his parents home, and we would usually be in the kitchen talking: the four of us.  Somehow, my husband and his dad would make their way into the garage, and his mom and I would get a chance to talk... just the two of us.  There are a lot of things I learned about her.  I loved when my husband would come back in after some time and say, "Are we ready to go?"  And I'd say, "No, I'm not", because I was having such a good time with her.  I remember how happy I would get when I made her laugh.  She was an incredibly sweet woman.  She was the type of person you know would laugh at something, even if it was not all that funny... just to be polite.  But, I LOVED it when I made her laugh.  Her nose would crinkle and her teeth would show... I see that expression on my husband sometimes when he laughs, too.  Another thing I remember is that most holidays, I have been unable to go see my family because I had to work (most of my family does not live near me).  My husband's mom wouldn't ask "If" I was coming over for the holiday meal... it was "When".  She immediately made me a part of the family festivities.  It was being around her and the family traditions that made me remember how much fun the holidays were for me when I was little.  She helped me find that childlike wonder of the holidays... and to feel the sense of love and home I so wanted on that particular day (be it Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter... etc).  I have two more memories that are sticking out in my mind... I am thinking back to one day when she mentioned to me and my husband that both she and her husband had gone to a new restaurant nearby and she wanted to take us there.  We asked, "What is it called?"  She smiled and said in a coy tone, "I'm not telling."  She then gave us a hint and said that the city started with a "P" and the restaurant started with a "B".  We had a fun time trying to get it out of her where this mystery spot was.  As time passed, our busy lives were in full swing, and we forgot about it.  After her passing, my husband and I figured out what restaurant that was.  We have looked it up, but still have yet to go.  I am happy to report that we are planning to go there this coming Friday evening.  I'm looking forward to it.  It will be an opportunity to think of a happy memory of us badgering her for more information: "What's the next letter of the restaurant?  How about the city?"  I am happy we know which one it is and that we'll be able to enjoy it and think of her. 

My last memory is a special one that is close to my heart, yet very simply stated.  I will always remember that there were occasions when we would say our goodbyes, and she would tell me, "I love you".  This was always very special to me, but it is especially now.  I remember thinking, even then, she is an incredibly good and honest person, and she would only say something like that if she truly meant it.  I am glad we both got to say those words to each other.  They meant the world to me then, and even more now.  

She is someone who is missed dearly by so many... especially her family.  She had a very calm and sweet personality.  She was incredibly thoughtful and loving.  Her qualities are ones which I hope to attain and strive for.

I cannot help but think of how many questions and topics I wish I could talk to her about now.  It makes me sad to think, "I wish I could ask her about...." or "I would love to hear what she thinks about...."  What makes me feel better is that I know she is in heaven.  Even though I feel a longing to talk to her, I find comfort knowing that she is in a wonderful place.  It's not that I can't ever talk to her about these things... it's just that I will have to wait until we meet again.  I hope she makes a lot of time for me because there is already so much to catch up on.  I wonder if she and I could make our way into a kitchen in heaven and have one of our talks again... I hope so...

Happy Tuesday to you and yours...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

In Memory

When I was twelve years old, I had to do a book report on a book of my choice.  I found one about Abraham Lincoln.  For my report, instead of writing it, I acted it.  My mom video taped me on her camcorder.  I made a top hat out of construction paper, wore my mom's long black coat, she took her eye liner and colored in a beard on my chin, and I stood on a stool.  My dad introduced me, "And now, the honorable, President Abraham Lincoln!"  My dad and sister clapped in the background (the camera always on me), and I said the Gettysburg Address.  I think my dad still has that tape.  Since then, Abraham Lincoln has fascinated me.  He was a man who taught himself how to read by fire light, lived in a log cabin, became president of the United States in one of our countries most tumultuous eras of division, and saved the Union.  It made me think about how our political leaders are having such a difficult time communicating and getting things done today.  It also gives me hope because I remember my grandma saying that the United States is the only country who has had a civil war and still remained one country.  I am not sure of other countries histories of civil wars, but it really is amazing that ours was truly, truly divided, and that we later remained the United States of America.  Our history is inspiring.  The Revolutionary War was full of farmers who fought back the English Army.  There are many stories about  the Civil War where brothers fought against each other; one for the North and one for the South.  I can go on and on.  I think what I am trying to say is that I hope people are not defining our country on the recent squabbles that our leaders in Washington are having.  I hope that our country is defined by our history, and our ability to stand together as one in the face of tyrants.  I hope we are defined by our courage.

This past Sunday was the 10th anniversary of the attacks on 9/11.  There are no words that I can express that can pin down how I feel.  I can just say that it was a day which I reflected on my feelings of that day.  Some of those feelings felt very fresh and recent.  I understand that some people may not have wanted to watch the dedications and stories about it, but I found it therapeutic.  I shed some tears and remembered how on that day, and the days followed, I would walk down the street and see strangers as my brothers and sisters.  It is no secret that tragedy brings people together.  

I watched several clips of leaders, past and present, giving talks of the innocent and courageous lives lost on that day: the people going to work at the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and flight crews.  The firefighters and policeman, the passengers on the planes...  There are a few quotes that I think are worth sharing which were given during these dedications.  Here they are:

Vice President Joe Biden told people gathered in Shanksville, Pennsylvania a quote which his mother said to him, "Courage lies in every heart.  The expectation, Joey, is that one day it will be summoned."  He said this in regards to the courageous people on Flight 93.  He was talking about how ordinary people can do extraordinary things.

George W. Bush, too, was in Shanksville, and he recounted Abraham Lincoln's speech in Gettysburg.  He also was at Ground Zero the next day with President Obama, and he read a letter that Lincoln wrote to a mother (Mrs. Bixby) who believed she lost five sons in the Civil War.  I have included both documents below because I think they are both important for all of us to read.


The Gettysburg Address

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.



 The Letter to Mrs. Bixby

Dear Madam,--
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln


May we always remember that through our differences, we are all brothers and sisters...
Happy Tuesday to you and yours...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A Lot of "Maybes" in My Mind

Labor Day was yesterday, and it was a gorgeous day.  My husband and I had a day off together and had a wonderful time.  One thing we did was go to an art fair.  Seeing so many unique artworks felt very inspiring.  Being in that type of environment gives me motivation to try new things.  There are some talents that I would like to try and hone, but I always feel like I don't have the time or the finances to pursue them.  For instance, I love the piano.  My grandmother taught herself how to play the piano, and she was the organist at our church when I was growing up.  I remember sitting at her piano and teaching myself how to play some songs by ear.  I would only use one finger at a time, but I felt so accomplished when I could play a whole chorus of a song!  Yesterday, I was at my father-in-law's house for a bit, and I sat at the piano.  Again, I played a song I taught myself, and it made me feel so good inside.  I am seriously considering looking into learning how to play.  I would have to start at square one because I don't even know how to read music.  I decided to put this in my blog so that I can somewhat hold myself accountable for at least doing research on it.  I can talk or even just think about it for days and days, but actually looking into it is a different story.  Usually when I learn a new thing, I like to be the best at it.  I know this is very unrealistic, but I get very frustrated when I am in the learning process of something and I need a lot of help with it.  With this thought of wanting to learn how to play the piano, I feel like I would be okay with being a beginner... even excited. I am now feeling more anxiety about actually calling a perfect stranger and asking them to help me.  When I start feeling anxious about something like this, these questions pop up in my head:  "What if I don't gel with them?"  "What if I end up hating it and have to tell them I don't want to do it anymore?"  I have to remember when these type of questions come up that it's not me talking, it's my anxiety talking.  When the time feels right, I hope I'll have the courage to pursue it.

I also have some other crafty artsy ideas that I would like to pursue, but I have a hard time when I do something and it doesn't look exactly like I want it to (aka "I am a perfectionist").  This is something I need to just jump in, try it, and get over the fact that I'm not Leonardo da Vinci. 

How exciting and scary it can be to learn new things.  I shall keep you posted.

Happy Tuesday to you and yours...