Week of Learning

This week has been loaded with learning experiences.  I have a relative who has been in touch with me recently and asking me questions about my religion for a paper she is writing for her masters program.  This has been a great opportunity because I have learned within the past year that the person who is teaching a topic is the one who learns the most.  Now, I am not "teaching" my relative, but I have been answering questions and doing my best to talk about misconceptions that are out in the world regarding my faith.  I felt that I have learned so much in sharing and talking with her.  I wanted to make sure that everything I touched on was as accurate and easy to understand as possible, and I found out two things.  The first was, "Wow, I know a lot more than I thought I did!"  The second was, "Hey, I'm pretty good at looking things up in my scriptures!"  I not only learned more, but I found some confidence that I did not know was lacking.  I am very thankful for my relative, and I am grateful that she felt comfortable coming to me with her questions. I was a little nervous because I saw how long my answers were.  She assured me that she was happy to read them.  There was one story that I shared that is very close to my heart which I have not shared with very many people.  It is something that is very sad, and I am not sure if she knew about it.  This sad thing did not happen personally to me, but it has had a profound effect on my life.  After sharing the story with her, I felt a little worried because I did not want to make her feel sad or discomfort in reading it.  To be honest, I wont talk about it in my blog, but I just hope that she feels okay with all that I shared.

I still struggle with worrying what people think.  What I am dealing with now is the fact that my worried feeling is more delayed.  In general, I have a fear of causing discomfort to others or offending others.  I know that I don't typically do anything to cause these reactions, but the thought of causing any not good feelings to someone scares me.  Maybe "scares me" is a little strong.  I just find that I feel a sense of guilt  in certain moments in my life, and then afterward, I feel a sense of dread because I worry about what repercussions will happen due to a comment I've made or an action I've performed.  I heard a saying once that 99% of the things we worry about wont happen.  I find that I have an internal struggle sometimes.  There are times when I feel confident in who I am, what I'm doing, and what I'm saying.  Then, if I open myself up and become a little more vulnerable, I worry, worry, worry!  What I am learning is that I think I need to make myself a little more emotionally vulnerable so that I can face my fears.  I need to tell myself that it's okay to talk about certain things, it's okay to cry in front of someone if I'm sad.  I have a feeling that when I am around others who are crying that it is my job to be the supportive one and not to cry.  I have this feeling in me that says, "You need to be the strong one."  Then, afterward, when I am by myself, I cry my eyes out.  This is not saying that I have never cried in front of others before, but there is something in me that tries to hold it back until later.  I find that if something is making me so sad that I'm crying in front of them, I do one of two things (sometimes both): I will hide my face with my hands (or not look at the person at all), or I will apologize.  I don't know why I do that.  Luckily, this type of situation does not come up very much.  You would think that after I have described myself that I might feel uncomfortable with people crying to me?  The answer is, not at all.  I am always available to be a shoulder to cry on.  I understand how good it feels to get a good cry.  I encourage it.  I want my family and friends to know they can turn to me for comfort.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can be of help and service to the people who I care about.  I just have a hard time letting out a good  cry in front of others when I need it.  I know I'm not alone in this, but I sometimes feel like the minority in cases like these.  I think I need to just practice being okay with opening myself up to the people I care about and hopefully my worries and fears will subside over time.  I hope this works.  I know it will.

Happy Tuesday to you and yours...